Today, I kept smelling the pleasant odor of baking bread while driving around. Tonight, I realized that the smell of yeast was actually coming from a cup of moldy smoothie that got missed and left in a cup holder in the back of my car. OWM

Today, I had to explain to my mom that the bruises I have all over my body are not due to abuse, but because I'm into really rough sex. OWM

Today, my boyfriend was talking about video games. Bored of the subject, I started kissing his neck and chest in hopes of him to stop talking and getting some action. He did stop, only for him to say about a minute later, "You're lucky my games can't do this." OWM

Today, I learned why you should never to use Sean Connery's voice when asking your girlfriend to sit on your face. OWM

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for a second time. Then when I was getting dressed with him sitting there next to me, there was a silence. He thought to fill it, he'd grab my hand and fist-bump me. OWM

Today, my date asked me if I enjoyed golden showers. We were in the middle of making out, and it was our first date, which I thought was going well. I guess when things seem too good to be true, they really are. OWM

Today, some guy sent a dickpic to my phone. I was disgusted, and wanted to find out who did it. I called the police, and they matched the number to my step father's new cellphone. OWM

Today, I had to stand outside the changing room while two of my coworkers had noisy sex. I just needed my car keys. OWM

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, I felt something tickling my neck. Thinking it was him, I ignored it. Just when I was about to climax, I looked down to see a lizard on me. OWM

Today, my wife stopped halfway through a blowjob to check a notification on her phone for a game. OWM

Today, I was having fun while home alone, until my dog heard my vibrator and tried to attack me. OWM

Today, my husband and I were having sex. It was stormy outside, and when lightning flashed through the window, he screamed like a little girl and scrambled off the bed. OWM

Today, I found out how messed up I am when a guy held a knife to my throat and it turned me on. OWM

Today, my son walked in on me masturbating. Now, whenever I don't do whatever he wants, he blackmails me. OWM

Today, I went to the doctor's office for a regular check up. They found "odd red marks" on the inside of my thighs. They started to think it might be a skin disease, so I had to explain to my mother and the doctor that it was hickeys from my boyfriend. OWM

Today, I realised just how lazy I am, when I was about to masturbate, but decided not to because I didn't want to put in the effort. OWM