Today, my date asked me if I enjoyed golden showers. We were in the middle of making out, and it was our first date, which I thought was going well. I guess when things seem too good to be true, they really are. OWM

Today, my mom got arrested for statutory rape. She apparently had sex with my best friend during a cookout, which was to celebrate my dad's cancer going into remission. OWM

Today, I was riding my bike down a hill and noticed a pretty girl sitting at the bus stop. I guess I was staring pretty hard, because the next thing I knew, I was swerving off the road and smashing into a tree. She laughed at me. OWM

Today, I noticed I have more alcohol in my fridge than I do actual food. OWM

Today, my boyfriend would not ride in my convertible with the top down because he "didn't want to mess up his hair." My boyfriend is prissier than I am. OWM

Today, my daughter asked me to join the Army so that she wouldn't have to see me anymore. She's four. OWM

Today, some guy sent a dickpic to my phone. I was disgusted, and wanted to find out who did it. I called the police, and they matched the number to my step father's new cellphone. OWM

Today, my boyfriend told me I can stop using makeup, because it's "not working." OWM

Today, I figured out the bank account my mom set up for me is actually a joint account, and she gets half the money I deposit. I have been putting money in there for 10 years. OWM

Today, at a pool party, I had forgotten to bring a swim suit, so I went in in my bra and shorts. After everyone screaming and telling me to put my shirt back on, I asked, "Why? It's the same as a bikini." My best friend told me it was because no one wanted to see me topless. OWM

Today, I needed to call my mom to get some info so I dialled the number on my work phone. Not 2 seconds after, my cellphone rang. I got super pissed off because I hate when people call me on my cell at work. It was me. I'd dialled my own number. OWM

Today, I made a 6-hour trip just to go to the wrong art festival. I have to go back and make the same trip again tomorrow. OWM

Today, I was at a soccer game when some guys walking behind me yelled that I had a nice ass. I then heard someone shout, "Hey, assholes. That's my daughter." He yelled at them for quite a while. He wasn't my dad, just some weird dude. OWM

Today, my mom got drunk and tried to push me off a ladder. OWM

Today, I had to stand outside the changing room while two of my coworkers had noisy sex. I just needed my car keys. OWM

Today, I confessed to my boyfriend that I think I'm average looking. He told me that it was OK, unless he wakes up tomorrow with some standards, I'm good enough. OWM